posted 10-14-2001 02:03 PM PT (US)
Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got!
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
The secret of the universe is @*&^^^ NO CARRIER
Did anyone see my lost carrier?
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!
He who laughs last thinks slowest!
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
"More hay, Trigger?" "No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!"
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Error, no keyboard - press F1 to continue.
There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control!
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now .
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
I won't rise to the occaasion, but I'll slide over to it.
Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I.
Double your drive space - delete Windows!
What is a "free" gift ? Aren't all gifts free?
Assassins do it from behind.
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.
I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.
Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
When there's a will, I want to be in it.
Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?
All generalizations are false, including this one.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.
"Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.
Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking?
My computer isn't that nervous...it's just a bit ANSI.
My computer's sick. I think my modem is a carrier.
Gotta run, the cat's caught in the printer.
Honey, I Formatted the Kid!
Spelling checkers at maximum! Fire!
Your e-mail has been returned due to insufficient voltage.
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my disk?
Hex dump: Where witches put used curses...
Never violate the Prime Directory! C:\
Multitasking: Screwing up several things at once...
Maniac: An early computer built by nuts...
Stack Error: Lost on a cluttered desk...
Stack Overflow: Too many pancakes...
Life would be much easier if I had the source code.
Capt'n! The spellchecker kinna take this abuse!
C:\BELFRY is where I keep my .BAT files.
ASCII to ASCII, DOS to DOS.
How do I set my laser printer on stun?
"Today's subliminal thought is:"
'Calm down -- it's only ones and zeros.'
'.... now touch these wires to your tongue!'
Computer analyst to programmer: "You start coding. I'll go find out what
According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist.
It said, "Insert disk #3," but only two will fit!
RAM DISK is not an installation procedure!
Computers are only human.
This time it will surely run.
I just found the last bug.
The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.
-Robert R. Coveyou Oak Ridge National Laboratory
It's redundant! It's redundant! -R. E. Dundant
Bug? That's not a bug, that's a feature. -T. John Wendel
The programmer's national anthem is 'AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH'. -Weinberg, p.152
On a clear disk you can seek forever. -Computerworld button
I write all my critical routines in assembler, and my comedy routines
in FORTRAN. -Anonymous
If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be
the process of putting them in. -Dykstra
"#define QUESTION ((bb)
posted 01-31-2001 06:17 PM PT (US)
Retreating?! Hell no, we're just attacking the other direction!
If at first you don't succeed, look in the trash for the instructions.
Nothing in life can hurt you except yourself. And of course barbed wire, but thats another story.
Behold the power of stupid people in large groups.
Teamwork is essential: it gives the enemy someone else to shoot at.
It is generally inadvisable to eject right over the area you just bombed.
Don't run, you'll only die tired.
Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate -- the bombs always hit the ground.
If the enemy is in range, so are you.
When in doubt empty the magazine.
Odd objects attract fire - never lurk behind one.
Incoming fire has the right of way.
Don't look conspicuous: it draws fire.
Tracers work both ways.
Push to test... Release to detonate.
Don't draw fire, it irritates the people around you.
That which does not kill us only makes us stronger so we may kill others.
The world doesn't just disappear when you close your eyes, does it?
The trouble with doing something right the first time, is nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
We have to belive in free will. We have no choice.
Time flies... after you hit the snooze button.
You can't tell a book by its movie.
Paper is always strongest at the perforations.
Sacred cows make the best burgers.
Whoever said there is no such thing as a stupid question has never worked in customer service.
Important documents will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.
Life is a test, and I didn't take very good notes.
If you lost your left arm, your right arm would be left.
Well behaved women rarely make history.
An eternity is very, very long, especially towards the end.
The trouble with life is, you're half way through it before you realize it's a 'do it yourself' thing.
To err is human, to forgive... unlikely.
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
Whoever coined the phrase "Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one.
Fortune tellers are for the poor. Psychics are for the rich.
If Lamb Chop married Howdy Doodie her name would be Lamb Doodie....
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
It is better to be on the ground wishing you were flying, than vice versa.
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is. It's always room-temperature.
The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
Ignore reality. There's nothing you can do about it.
Character is taught at home, but not by a purple dinosaur or big yello bird.
Children in the dark make accidents, but accidents in the dark make children.
Viewer discretion may be advised, but it's never really expected.
If you dont want the milk to get sour...keep it in the cow
Life is a terminal desiese for which there is no vaccination.
You can catch more flies with honey than you can with vinager... But you can catch even more with dead squirrels.
We know what happens to people who stay in the middle of the road. They get run over.
If you receive something that says 'Send this to everyone you know,' pretend you don't know me.
Laundry instructions on a shirt made by HEET: For best results, wash in cold water separately, hang dry and iron with warm iron. For not so good results, drag behind car through puddles, blow-dry on roofrack
The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.
If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
Te audire no possum. Musa sapientum fixa est in aure. - I can't hear you. I have a banana in my ear.
I see dumb people
Take my advice, I'm not using it anyway
My reality check bounced
I need patience. NOW!
If you don't like the way I'm driving, YOU come get these handcuffs off!
Jesus is coming - Look Busy!
I want to die in my sleep like grandpa, not terrified and screaming like his passengers.
Keep honking - I'm reloading.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
i souport publik edekasion.
No Radio - Already Stolen.
Don't steal, the government hates competition.
Drive defensively - buy a tank.
Do not wash this car. It is undergoing a scientific dirt experiment.
They couldn't repair my brakes, so they made my horn louder.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Drugs cause amnesia and other things I can't remember...
Horn broken, watch for finger.
You are depriving some poor village of its idiot.
WARNING: I cannot be help responsible for the above, as apparently my cats have learned how to type.
The opinions expressed herein are not necessarily those of my employer, not necessarily mine, and probably not necessary.
The opinions expressed here are not those of my employer, my wife, my church, or myself... But they are the opinions of Elvis as revealed to me through the medium of my pet hamster, Lee Harvey Oswald...
Government Warning: We are corrupt and have sold out to corporate interest. Do not listen to our advice.
The opinions above are solely those of a 12 year old hacker who has broken into my account, and not those of my employer or any other organization.
Disclaimer: the above is the author's personal opinion and is not the opinion or policy of his employer or of the little green men that have been following him all day.
Spotted on a button: 'Ambivalent? Well, yes and no....'
Breakfast in New York, Lunch in Paris, Baggage in Hong Kong.
If you think our waiters are rude, you should see our manager.
...Yes, the lectures are optional. Graduation is also optional.
They call television a medium. That's because it is neither rare nor well done.
98% of the population is asleep. The other 2% are staring around in complete amazement, abject terror, or both.
The NRA says, 'Guns don't kill people - people kill people.' That may be true, but I think the gun helps. You're not going to kill many people by standing around shouting 'bang!'.
Jesus loves you. Then again, so does Barney.
If you freeze to death and end up in hell... wouldn't you be really comfortable some point along the way?
Jesus Saves... Passes to Moses. Shoots... He SCORES!
Quando Omni Flunkus Moritati - When all else fails, play dead
Veni, Vedi, Visa. I came. I Saw. I did a little shopping.
Semper Ubi Sub Ubi. - Always wear Underwear.
Never use the words 'Evil Diabolical Plan' on your resume.
Everytime I think I've hit the bottom, someone lends me a shovel.
Hard work never killed anyone, but why give it a chance?
Corporate Motto: READY - FIRE - AIM !!!
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
What if you're in hell, and you're mad at someone, where do you tell them to go?
If the pen is mightier than the sword, and a picture is worth a thousand words, how dangerous is a fax?
Practice makes perfect, but if nobody's perfect, why practice?
After heat killed bad germs, where do they go? Obviously not in heaven, since they've been bad. Surely then can't go to hell, for the heat would kill them again(?)...
When it rains, how come cows don't knock on the farmer's door and say, "Hey, let us in, we're all wearing leather out here!"
Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Why are there 5 syllables in the word 'monosyllabic'?
If it's 0 degrees today, and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, ...how cold will it be?
May I refuse to inherit the earth?
Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?
Crime doesn't pay... does that mean my job is a crime?
If 7-11 is open 24-7 and 365 days a year why do they have locks on their doors?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Why do tourists go to the top of tall buildings and then put money in telescopes so they can see things on the ground in close-up?
How can something be 'new and improved'? If it's new what was it improving on?
If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
Why do they report power outages on TV?
Why is it that when we ship something by truck, it's called a shipment but if we send something by ship, it's called cargo?
How can someone draw a blank?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
If the only thing to survive a plane crash is the black box, why don't they make the whole plane out of the black box?
If con is the opposite of pro, then what is the opposite of progress?
If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn't everyone just move 10 miles away?
If aliens are smart enough to travel through space, why do they keep abducting the dumbest people on earth?
If we're not supposed to eat late-night snacks, why is there a light in the refrigerator?
How does a thermos know whether a drink should be hot or cold?
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
How do 'Do Not Walk On Grass' signs get there?
Why do mattresses have springs, if they aren't made for jumping on?
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
What do sheep count when they can't get to sleep?
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
How come the bullets that work are fired, and the ones that don't work are not?
When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
If a book about failure doesn't sell, is it a success?
Why aren't there ever any GUILTY bystanders?
How can you be ALONE with somebody? Think about it...
In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?
Why is it you must wait until night to call it a day?
Why do hotdogs' come in a package 12 and the hotdog rolls come in a package of 8?
If Superman is so smart why does he wear his underpants over his trousers?
Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
If you ate pasta and anti pasta, would you still be hungry?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
If rabbits' feet are so lucky, then what happened to the rabbit?
What year did Jesus think it was?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Why is the word dictionary in the dictionary?
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
Why Do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Where did Webster look up the definitions when he wrote the dictionary?
Did Washington flash a quarter when asked for ID?
How do I set my laser printer on stun?
What the heck is a near-miss? If you nearly miss something, don't you hit it?
How do you get off a non-stop flight?
If your clone kills you, is that suicide?
Why is it that normal people are the ones you don't know?
If you try to fail, and then succeed, what've you really done?
If knowledge is power, and power corrupts, and corruption is crime, and crime doesnt pay... Does knowledge, in the end, leave you broke?
How can there be a limited lifetime warranty?
How do the skittle company people know what a rainbow tastes like?
Why do skydivers wear helmets?
Why are there Interstates in Hawaii?
Do the fountain of youth and the fountain of knowledge come from the same fictitious underground stream?
If it's called a boxing RING, then why are they square?
How come when you are driving through a neighborhood looking for an address, you turn the radio down?
Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
Understanding is a three edged sword: Your side, their side, and the truth.
Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.
On the road of life, there are windshields and there are bugsplats.
The most beautiful sunsets are made by cloudy skies.
Never try to leap a chasm in two jumps.
If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style.
It is important to stay cool, but be sure to not get frostbite.
Pain: A cat licking your sunburn.
Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
Committee: The unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unncessary.
'A single death is a tragedy. A million deaths is a statistic.'
I don't laugh in death's face. I tend to make belittling comments and snigger behind death's back.